Why don’t they just…?
In serving people experiencing homelessness, I used to think why don’t they just get a job? Go to rehab? Get meds for mental illness?
Along the way of doing this work, I keep learning why nothing is as easy as my “why don’t they just?”
Focusing on mental illness for this article: Why don’t they just get meds for their mental illness? It’s not that simple.
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One woman struggles with schizophrenia and hears voices all the time. She explains that it’s like a restaurant full of people, all talking about you, so it’s noisy and hard to hear specific words, but you can tell none of them like you. It’s so loud and overwhelming that it’s hard to remember things, focus, or have a conversation.
After trying many different medications, the woman was able to function and converse better when they found meds that dull the voices. But no meds stop the voices, and the meds cause weight gain, depression, and leave her with low energy.
And even with the voices dulled a bit, at every waking moment, she is hearing, thinking, acting, and speaking around and above the voices in her head. I don’t know if I could even be functional through all that.
A man called me about his wife. They were kicked out of apartments and shelters because of her yelling. She sees people doing horrific things that other people are not seeing. If we were hearing and seeing these horrors, we’d be yelling too.
He tells me that this happened slowly. He loves her but doesn’t know how to save her. Meds have not helped. He married her with a promise to be there for her, through good and bad, thick and thin. He can’t leave her homeless and alone. If they can’t keep a place to live and her behaviors won’t work in a shelter, he’ll stay on the streets with her, because he loves her and he signed up for life.
Some people go down with their loved ones, through hell, and hopefully back out, somehow, some way.
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One lady struggles with mental health and multiple personalities. She stays outside. One night the people in her head were yelling and cursing.
She came to our door in total tears. Explaining that she is exhausted and just wants to SLEEP, but “they” won’t let her. She wonders if we have earplugs so she might finally SLEEP? We gave her some earplugs and a hot cocoa.
And the voices still screamed loudly.
She came back to the door, in complete exhaustion and total tears, and handed me back the earplugs. And told me they don’t work.
And what can you say to that?
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One woman told me “Lynelle, I did go to a psychiatrist to get medication. The only meds that stop the voices in my head cause extreme diarrhea. As a homeless woman, how is it possible to have fast and easy access to a bathroom 24/7? I get to be the crazy woman who sometimes yells and curses at people no one else can see. Or I get to be the sane lady who has poop on her clothing. And how much shame comes with that?”
And with her two options, I’d make the same choice she did. What would you choose?
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One woman was waiting outside to come in for her intake. She was on the phone, speaking with her 7-year-old daughter as I walked up to open the shelter. She handed me the phone and asked me to say hello to her daughter, because her daughter wanted to say hi to me, knowing her mom would be staying with us. She told me her name and I said that’s a very pretty name. She told me that her mom named her. Not even knowing her mom yet, it was obvious to me that her mom named her.
As I got to know the woman, I learned that her daughter lives in another state. I asked if her intention is to move there, and she shared that no … she struggles with mental illness, and she’s doing well for now, yet even with meds, her mental health fluctuates, and she doesn’t want to expose her daughter to that. Her daughter has a good life with her dad and his partner who also loves her. How could she do better than that for her daughter?
She will continue her connection through calls. They each know what’s up with each other on a regular basis and their love and connection is very clearly strong. She’s giving her daughter her best self, across time and miles.
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We live among warriors. These are some of the many people who struggle with mental health. They are often shunned, feared, treated as if they are vermin, invisible, dangerous, sub-human.
It is harder for them to find and access equitable temporary shelter or permanent housing because we don’t have adequate knowledge, funds, treatment, and supports.
Many of them fall through the cracks and are dying on the streets, as another statistic, without the accuracy and dignity of also being acknowledged as an equitable traveling soul and fellow human being.
We have the opportunity and honor to serve in ways that reflect everyone as an equitable traveling soul and fellow human being.
There is a quote about Halloween that I love:
Halloween: a day when we get it right. Strangers come to us, beautiful, ugly, odd or scary, and we accept them all without question, Compliment them, treat them kindly, and give them good things. Why don’t we live like that?
-Steve Garnaas-Holmes
To me, this quote also reflects the spirit of this time of year — beyond gifts, we often have a focus on giving, sharing, lifting each other up during this time of year.
What if we gift ourselves and each other with that, and try to get it right every day, year round?
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Lynelle Wilcox has served people experiencing homelessness in Salem for six years - initially volunteering at warming centers and homeless events. As people shared their stories through the years, she saw how much a smile and hello can create commonality, connection, and sometimes hope. And hope can change everything. She writes about some of the things she’s learned along the way, and shares some of the stories. She adores her kids, and loves vivid colors, cats, happy clothes, music, cooking, skies, dogs, and daisies