As I think about 2023, it was a year of serving more unsheltered women and kids; hearing more stories that challenge and change many of my premises; seeing some women grow hope, bloom and thrive. My heart breaks and bursts every day.
One woman’s story: She came to SafeSleep United, struggling with trauma, mental illness, and addiction. She was catatonic and couldn’t even answer simple questions like “Would you like salad with your chicken?” She also was not able to walk two blocks without becoming disoriented and lost.
We met her where she was at and coordinated doctor visits, transportation, assessments and supports. It was slow and rocky, yet over time she was able to answer most questions, and eventually became conversational and more independent.
She now is living in adult foster care, in a lovely home, with excellent staff. They provide three meals a day, snacks, medication management and trips to play pool, go bowling, shopping, hiking at Silver Falls. She can make ceramics and participate in other activities, and she is learning to cook and to use public transportation.
She reconnected with family and has an active social life with them. She is especially loving the chance to be an aunt to her nephew. She loves cats and she volunteers at a cat rescue place.
She still struggles with voices in her head as part of her mental illness. No medication so far has been able to stop that. The voices don’t tell her to hurt herself or anyone else, yet they don’t like her, and they are always there. She tries to help us to understand — she says it’s like hearing people talking at other tables in a restaurant. And she can’t make out words of each conversation, yet none of the people like her, and all the people are talking about her negatively, in different loudnesses and tones of voice. I can’t imagine how I could maintain self-esteem if I was hearing that all day, every day.
At every waking moment, she is hearing, thinking, and speaking around and above the voices in her head. In spite of that daily struggle, she has accomplished so much, and she is thriving. Besides regaining her health, sobriety, independence, and family, her ability to be conversational has enabled her to develop friendships in her life, and gave us the opportunity to finally get to know her.
Success stories are diverse. Getting a job or a place to live are common metrics of success, yet “success” is broader than that.
Job and apartment — One woman got a full time job and then got her own apartment! She and her 21 year old cat are now sheltered in a cute apartment, with garden space! She is looking forward to growing some of her own fruit and veggies, and she is grateful that her cat also has this chance to have a home as she grows older. She was recently promoted to a position where she will be able to help others to move forward, bloom, and thrive.
Safety to fall apart — Living on the streets in survival mode each day doesn’t leave time to catch your breath. Sometimes women fall apart when they finally have the safety and space to do so. That may not seem like a success, yet for some people, falling apart is a step that enables them to then fall together again.
Growing hope — Some women believe they will die on the streets – it’s not a question of ‘if;” it’s just a question of when. Sometimes success is letting hope bloom, in spite of their past, finally believing that they CAN create a better life.
Self-forgiveness — When hope grows, some women learn that sometimes life is a cha-cha dance with some steps forward and some steps back. Going back to an abusive relationship, or relapsing in recovery can be part of the process, NOT proof that you are a horrible or worthless person. Sometimes success is learning to give yourself the grace that you previously only gave to others.
Remembering who you are — Some women reflect this quote: “She remembered who she was, and the game changed.”
One woman dressed down and baggy on purpose, so she wouldn’t attract attention because even though rape has nothing to do with what we wear, it can be so easy to believe that it’s on us to prevent it by blending into the background. And success can be when she decides to believe it isn’t her fault and never was her fault, and she lets herself dress and bloom pretty, not letting the rapists win anymore by making herself less visible.
Success can be when someone comes in worn down, with no opinions, no oomph, maybe from years of abuse, neglect, sex trafficking, and/or rapes, and they accept anything offered to them as if they are not worthy of anything. And one day, that woman asks for a green shirt, instead of the pink one you were giving her, because she really hoped for green, because she remembers now that green is her favorite color, and she found her voice to ask for it.
Remembering your favorite color, finding hope and a reason to live, even relapsing or going back to abuse but this time with telling yourself it’s a process and giving yourself some grace, finding your voice … each of these things, and so much more, are significant flavors of success.
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Lynelle Wilcox has served people experiencing homelessness in Salem for six years - initially volunteering at warming centers and homeless events. As people shared their stories through the years, she saw how much a smile and hello can create commonality, connection, and sometimes hope. And hope can change everything. She writes about some of the things she’s learned along the way, and shares some of the stories. She adores her kids, and loves vivid colors, cats, happy clothes, music, cooking, skies, dogs, and daisies
