Editor’s note: This column mentions sexual assault.

When people say that individuals are homeless on the streets because they don’t want to follow shelter rules, I find that to be rare. There is usually more to the story. 

One man has voices in his head that get louder in the middle of the night. Meds have not helped. He can work through the noise in his head by getting fresh air, and by sweeping. 

Most shelters have curfews that require people to be inside during the night. He’s not able to quiet his voices; he’s not able to sleep, unless he can do a physical mundane task to accomplish something (clean sidewalks). 

So sure, he can’t follow common curfew rules. Yet the curfew rules usually don’t allow for exceptions that would enable him to work outside through the voices, and then come inside to sleep. 

One woman was brought by police to our women’s shelter. She was very upset about her child not being with her anymore. (I don’t know the story behind that, yet as a mom, I can relate to being worried about a kid and wanting your kid to be with you.) 

She was also mad at her ex. She has nowhere to go and just wants a safe place to sleep. Which is exactly what we offer. In a dorm setting, with 30+ other women already asleep. So we need her to be able to be quiet and to sleep.

And the woman said she has to be able to talk about her daughter all night, and she has to be able to sing to calm herself. I asked if she can talk to her daughter and sing inside her head. She (accurately) said that singing inside her head isn’t even singing. I wondered if she can “save” her talking and singing till morning? Because it’s 11 p.m. and 30+ other women are already asleep and trying to stay that way. 

And the woman shared that she has to be able to talk about her daughter, and to sing, to calm herself, and I can’t take away her freedom of speech. I understand her perspective and it’s not going to be viable to have her sleep inside while she’s in a place where she needs to talk and sing all night as other women are trying to sleep. 

And it’s not as simple as she won’t follow rules. It’s more that her anguish and trauma is too big for her to hold it in. And to her credit, she found ways that help her work through it. Yet her path for that involves talking and singing out loud, which would be a fine and creative path to work through the pain if she had a place of her own. If she had a place of her own, most people would admire that she found a way to work through her pain. Yet it’s not viable to have her at most shelters while her feelings and pain are so big and her path through it is an out-loud process. 

And in warming shelter work, one young adult shared that as he was trying to sleep on the mat on the floor, he knows someone else was trying to rape him. I reassured him that volunteers, including me, are on the floor, walking around all night, and we wouldn’t let that happen. And if we saw anyone trying to do that, the person would be exited immediately. And still, this boy believed he wasn’t safe. 

And no reassurance was going to change his mind and sense of unsafe-ness. And how must it be to have had rapes happen that haunt him so strongly, even in safe places? Or how must it be to have alternate realities that reflect rapes or other dangers that might be happening only in his mind? And I’d bet it’s more likely to be the former than the latter. Yet either way, how terrifying to be the prisoner of your fears that won’t let you go? And where CAN he go to be safe?

One woman went through our whole shelter intake process, clutching her duffel bag the whole time. And she was still convinced that other women had stolen things from her bag. No level of reassurance would change her mind. And she wanted us to DO something about that. And how can we, when there wasn’t a moment that her bag wasn’t with her, and there wasn’t a moment where a staff person wasn’t also with her?

And how hard would it be to have your mind sure that people are taking your things, no matter how careful you are with your things? 

She was accusing different guests as being the one(s) who took her things. We were going to ask her to leave because we can’t have ongoing loud and personal accusations as the dynamic. Thankfully, and sadly, she opted to take a shower and then leave us, because she’s not going to put up with any more people stealing more of her things.

She can’t follow a protocol of not loudly accusing people of things they didn’t do. She can’t follow our rule to not yell about things. More accurately, her mind won’t let go of inaccurate stories that have her convinced that she is not safe anywhere. What hell would it be to live inside the prison of her mind?

One man can’t be in a shelter because everyone is likely to harm him, and the Pope has put spy bugs in the water systems and water bottles. So he can’t drink any water. As he’s outside in a blistering 103 degree day, wearing three winter coats at once.

It’s not that he can’t follow rules. It’s that the stories in his head keep him convinced that he’s not safe anywhere. He’s never done drugs or alcohol. I add that detail only because in his case, here is nothing he’s done that could have created this reality he’s now in.

None of these stories reflect any situation that would force the person to get mental health help or forced medications. None of them meet the high bar of being enough of a danger to themselves or others. 

And yet, they might die of heat stroke, or cold. They might experience real harm as they are vulnerable on the streets. They might self-medicate to get a sliver of a break from their own minds or voices, or they might self-medicate to stay awake all night, for safety’s sake – meth might keep people awake, and thus, alive through the night, as it also slowly kills people. There’s a duality to acknowledge in order to be accurate and to help understand why some people might choose to use drugs or alcohol.

And using “we” generically, to reflect some common sentiments… As we say how they should “just say no to drugs,” as we have no clue how hard that must be when real and imagined dangers are out in the world and possibly in their own heads too. As we say how they’ve “made their own beds, and must be accountable for their bad choices.” As we say people need to earn housing by being clean and sober first; not acknowledging that many housed people are not clean and sober, so maybe we’re really meaning that only people with money can have addiction and housing? As we’ve had the luxury and luck (so far) to never have our own heads, minds, or hearts turn against us. How lucky for us. As we just say to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and move on? Assuming everyone has bootstraps and some leftover resilience as if the science of trauma isn’t a real thing.

And these are just true stories of a few people. There are so many more stories I’ve seen and heard. Warriors walk among us, somehow staying alive, and trying again, and again against all odds.

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